One of " Those" Kids

It drives me to speak out. Sometimes to alienate my self from others. Conditional love, coersive parenting and physical punishment hurts, Adults. It yields Adults with Anxiety, anger issues, self worth issues, inabilities to form healthy attachments, substance abuse issues and so much more. We all know those kids who hurt. Who act out. I was one of "those" kids, my sisters were "those" kids, my husband was one of "those" kids, I have close friends who were "those" kids. Where you?

This weekend I was given the opportunity to make the choice to say good bye to a part of a long term emotionally abusive relationship. I took a stand and hung up the phone in the most respectful way I could. Without yelling, raising my voice or foul language. It was freeing. Yet until tonight and some verbalization of my feelings with my partner was I able to stop looking behind my back to see if I really wasn't going to get into trouble again. Ever feel that way with someone? That saying NO and really meaning it isn't a real choice.

Do you want your kid to feel that way with you? Is No really a choice?


Are you still with me? Ok. So what does any of this have to do with education, let alone homeschooling. Well, It goes back to key 7: YOU NOT THEM. Which ties to Pam Leo and her working with adults to look at the old tapes or scripts that play in their minds. It ties to Bonnie Harris reminding us that our kids know where all our button are.

If we the mentors, the educators, the parents are focused our fears, how can we focus on guiding our youth? If our parents taught us to fear punishment for getting it "wrong" what happens when our little messes up? Was that the littles mistake or ours? I have seen a tendency to punish or reprimand a child in public at least, when the parent is embarrassed for a typically age appropriate behavior. I know I have apologized for Little Miss spilling something or talking to loud somewhere as I scold her "shhhhhing."

So lets all take a deep breath now. Let's have a day filled with love and calm. If the littles mess up take a second and maybe don't correct it for them. Maybe problem solve. Maybe smile and tell them how you used to do that. Maybe even laugh as you clean up the mess or kiss the hurt they caused a sibling WITH them. Yes we are the adults and you know what, they will be too,soon.

My Holiday Gift

Over the last few days I have been filled with great joy and given many gifts. Most of the gifts were received after frustration or conflict.

I learned how to better communicative and work with my Partner. How we CAN work towards the same goal, without me guiding everyone around me. That me trying to guide everyone is what tends to cause more stress and aggravation, not the task at hand.

My big just wants to be big. She is ready to strut that independence in the safety of her home and fears being judged or " in trouble." Simple reminders and checking in have been far more effective than direction. Cleaning up or Rewinding and trying again the best consequences. Guiding her head is no longer needed she know right from left and IS listening to me when I instruct her.

In short I need to trust and have faith in those around me. I need to hold in my hart that I am safe to trust, love and have peace. I, surprisingly do help set the tone. I am leading and they are following. Sometimes, it's my negative example.

It is YOU not Them.

You, NOT Them

You, not them is the seventh key to great mentoring according to A Thomas Jefferson Education by Oliver Van DeMille. I not only see Mentoring as a part of my child's education but also in my parenting. If I look at what Pam Leo calls 'old tapes' to see what is the root of my action or more typically reaction I can parent and teach my child how to make better choices.

What dose this mean for us more importantly me. It means that I need to work on my self first. I need to go into my head and root out the what and why, I am fill in the blank. Why do I want to start PreSchool with my two and a half year old? Why dose her whining, constant whys, ignoring me when I say stop make me what to lash out? What makes me start blogs or writing and then quit? So many more and so little space on the page.

So, what to do? Mope, cry just parent or educate your kid they way you were?

My Answer No! Stop you can make a choice. It's not always going to be the easiest or emotionally safest but change. Focus not on your child's actions or education but your own.